Ham and Turkey Recall

I just heard on the news that there has been a ham and turkey recall. I thought that it was my duty as a fellow Canadian to inform all blog readers of this very important message. Today Canada issued a nationwide warrant for the arrest of any honey hams or Turkeys that you may encounter while you are out around town.

Hams can be found anywhere in town, usually on sidewalks and often can be found in coffee shops parooooooosing the newspaper section. I once saw a ham running at full speed down by the beach. Keep in mind, at this time hams are extremely dangerous. You can identify a honey ham by it's strange markings and often it will be wrapped in plastic. It is quite funny to see a honey ham running around down by the beach on account of the thought that is surely to enter anyones head "holy crap, what the hell is that thing....oh my gosh it's a ham, a honey ham, honey look, there is a honey ham and it is running around at full speed down at the beach" a typical response to such a comment by a friend might be "oh wow, i see it it too, and yes, that is definitely a ham, and a honey ham at that, look at that ham run, it's a fast ham"

DANGER**
In the event that you do encounter a ham DO NOT EAT......instead, follow these simple rules to apprehend the ham:
Run straight for the ham.....hams cannot dodge and weave like other types of store bought meat.
Hams have great initial speed...ie. they are fast off the line but they fade after about 100m
Pace yourself! Hams will run out of steam, just keep running after it
If you see one sneaking out of the grocery store be sure to tell staff IMMEDIATELY
Honey hams in particular have difficulty understanding Spanish so in many cases it is possible to confuse it by speaking Spanish.
A hams weakness is that it is ticklish so a great strategy is to wrestle it to the ground and start tickling it. IMPORTANT NOTE*** It is important to practice tickling a ham in the grocery store, it is also important to try to see how many will fit up your shirt.

TURKEY
There has also been a Turkey recall and it is important to understand the difference between a ham and a turkey.
1. Hams come from the animal "hamosorus" and Turkeys come from the animal "Turkeyosorus" both are found in the rain forest.
2. A Turkey can run at a very fast speed an unlike the ham it can dodge and weave...the turkey has very few weaknesses
3. The one weakness that a turkey has is that it will often freeze and begin contemplating complex problems like existentialism, quantum physics, the 80's and ninjas. IMPORTANT NOTE** this may be the ONLY time it is possible to catch a Turkey but BE WARNED** if the turkey comes out of it's contemplative trance and you do not have a FIRM grasp of the turkey it means bad luck for you, bad luck because it's going to kick your ass for sure.
4. DO NOT APPREHEND A TURKEY ALONE
5. Please report any Turkey sitings to the grocery store security guards. These people are trained in catching these dangerous things.

I hope this helps, so please, if you see a Turkey or a Honey ham wandering the streets either call police or apprehend it using the simple rules i have outlined above.

Jasper Blake is one of the worlds leading experts in Turkey and ham recall. He has travelled the world tickling and capturing honey hams and has more Turkey captures than any other bounty hunter. One time last year he got his ass kicked by a Turkey who appeared to be contemplating something but it turned out that some Turkeys can now FAKE the contemplation freezing thing. BE AWARE of this tactic because you will get your ass kicked for sure.

How to Know a Turkey is faking it:
I don't know and this is the danger that haunts us all.

Good luck
PS. It is also fun to make scarecrows out of turkey and ham meat.

Thump thump thump

It's a long overdue post about my last race....Long Distance worlds in Canberra, Australia. In a word, I took a thumping. It was not my most stellar performance for sure and not the prettiest way to end the season. The swim was atrocious, the bike not too bad despite losing 5 minutes every 30km to Torbjorn who really thumped most of us on the bike so hats off to that, man can that boy ride, pretty bloody awesome. On the run, I started real slow and really had nothing in the tank, quite literally as it all came up about 4km in.....I can't recall ever throwing that much stuff up in a race, a sure sign that I was not absorbing anything on the bike...no absorption means no calories means no energy and that was that, I was done.

But boy, what a race, Torbjorn was incredible, 9 minutes on the lead group in 120km and he held onto that lead despite an equally impressive push from Craig Alexander....fresh off the plane from winning 70.3 Worlds the previous weekend.....bloody impressive and respect respect respect for that.

And so that is my race report for that race. It is winter here in Victoria and that pretty much just kicks butt. 3 weeks off then one more week after that off which makes 4, I'll see how I feel in 2 more weeks.

Lovin Lennox

Well, after a few off days I seem to be well on track and functioning normally.

I am loving it here more every day, we cruise around to farmers markets for all our groceries, Pip cooks the most incredible food, training is going well and the ocean is a stones throw away....paradise!

Sunday came and went and has re-established itself as my favorite day...early morning long run on the beach and up over broken head headland and into Byron Bay for Sunday morning swim...and onto one of many amazing cafes for brunch and the morning paper.....fun fun fun.....and brings up a rather intriguing tale.

So, here in australia there are many things that can eat and poison you and being a rather timid Canadian boy I am constantly asking if the current lake or body of water we are swimming in is safe...ie. can i be eaten or strangled by anything. Of course the usual Aussie response is; "No worries mate, there's nothing out there this time of year....you'll be right"....so out I venture into the Bay last Sunday, on my own, for a 60 minute swim. Turns out that within the time I swam my hour and for the week since then there are two sharks in the bay hanging out and buzzing surfers, both spotted within 50-300m of where I was cruising around.....one a 14ft great white and the other a Brown Whaler, both known for eating people on occasion. This weeks swim saw everyone hugging the shoreline, including seasoned veterans of the ocean swim who have little fear of sharks, apparantely a first for the area...I guess if there is a great white cruising around you don't take chances because if it wants to eat you it will......does this qualify me for jackass?

But I am alive and well thanks likely to pure naivety and an unappetizing wetsuit covering my tasty skin......

Next time I am here I would like to be with Jude and some kids living in a shack on the beach......